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“They've got a great selection of minors.”
- Bill Belichick on choosing UNC. 

Trending News

Analysts predict Americans will bet over $1 billion on this year’s Super Bowl. The massive ammount is largely attributed to hundreds of new prop bets including over/unders on the length of the national anthem, combined passing and rushing yards, and number of referees that give Mahomes a kiss on the cheek. 

It was reported this week that a single 30 second ad during this year’s Super Bowl will cost a record $8 million — it’s a great way for brands to say “no, we don’t give to disaster relief.” 

McDonald’s announced this week that it’s bringing back the Shamrock Shake and in doing so reintroduced Grimace’s Irish relative — Uncle O’Grimacey. And if he “O’” wasn’t enough to make sure you knew he was Irish, they also made him a raging alcoholic. 

A nudist cruise called the Big Nude Boat recently set sail from the Caribbean. As you’d expect, the Big Nude Boat is almost exclusively populated by the weird fat ugly.

This week, frozen food maker Totino’s released a cheese pizza flavored instant ramen. Or as it’s also known — pasta.

Feature

Waffle House Announces 50-Cent Bandage & Gauze Surcharge

In the wake of an escalating trade war between the United States and the People's Republic of China, Waffle House announced Thursday it will be adding a fifty cent surcharge to the bill of all bleeding customers.

Since opening its doors in 1955, the 24/7 eatery has been a staple for breakfast and bloodshed, where at 3:17am, customers could order an All-Star Special before participating in a 17-person melee that sees a woman's face pressed into a waffle iron, a waiter drop kicked through a window, and a guy fight off an alligator with a fire extinguisher -- and for over the last 70 years, bandages and gauze have been provided to bleeding patrons from coast to coast at no extra charge. However, the recent tariffs issued on imports from China mean the chain will have no choice but to pass on that burden to the consumer.

"Look, if I could have it any other way, believe me, I would," said Waffle House CEO Walter Husk. "But in this economic climate, it's really out of my hands. We spent over $18 million on bandages in Q4 of 2024 alone. With analysts projecting a 20% increase by the end of 2025, it's just unsustainable. We love our customers, and we want them to continue to beat each other to a pulp — hell, wringing out the blood mop is how we refill the ketchup — but if we want to stay open, tough decisions have to be made."

To help alleviate pressure caused by the tariffs, the administration has promised to provide short term subsidies to local bandage manufacturers, prioritizing those with a same-day delivery radius to several Waffle House locations. Although, with cost cutting measures starting to take effect in Washington, insiders worry these subsidies could soon be on the chopping block. Interim deputy supervisor for the Department of Health and Human Services, Orin G. Pilkey, shook off any such notions, "They won't touch a dime. Waffle Houses are the backbone of this administration. When they bleed, we all bleed.”

But relief can't come fast enough, as customers say the surcharge has forced them to think twice before breaking a glass over someone's head or swinging a chair at someone’s knee cap.

According to a recently published financial forecast conducted by the Cato Institute, the average American family sitting down at the Waffle House could see an additional $1,197 in bandage and gauze surcharges on their tab, a figure that puts participating in a weekly brouhaha out of the reach of millions.

“It’s just sad that it’s always the little guy that ends up getting squeezed,” said 37-year-old brawling enthusiast Roy Shiv, who due to the surcharge has been forced to take his wife and eight children to fight at Cracker Barrel. “We just want to enjoy a night out as a family, and if anything should be gouged, its our eyes, not our wallets.”  

As this story goes to print, a follow up press release was issued by Waffle House executive leadership announcing a 7% switchblade and brass knuckles upcharge, and 19% guns and ammo luxury tax.

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