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Crier Quotes

“How come when you throw a kid into the deep end of a pool and it’s considered teaching them how to swim, but when I throw a kid into a pit to mud wrestle a wild boar for money its considered ‘endangering the welfare of a child.’ Doesn’t seem fair to me.” 
- Paula Deen

Trending News

A Florida man was arrested for allegedly stealing and then swallowing $800k worth of Tiffany diamond jewelry — The story serves as a gentle reminder to always ask what exactly the salesperson means by “slightly used." 

A new study suggests chewing on wood improves memory. The study’s participants said when they were chewing on wood they were able to recall with 100% accuracy how much they needed the money. 

A new TikTok trend has people eating biodegradable packing peanuts mistakenly believing they're edible. On the bright side, after eating the packing peanuts, they’re able to be thrown from a moving van without damaging internal organs. 

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem said Friday that DHS has identified two “criminal hackers” within its ranks and will refer them to the Department of Justice for felony prosecutions. In a message to employees, Secretary Noem reiterated her commitment to purging the department of bad actors, saying, “I will hunt you down like dogs.” 

Feature

Feminist Husband Supports GirlBoss Wife’s Decision to Work, Pay Bills, Take Care of Children

Women’s History Month is off to a flying start as a remarkable feat of allyship has gone viral. Local husband Doug Birch says he supports wife Abigail in her desire to “have it all” by allowing her to not only be the family’s sole wager earner, but also take care of their four children. “She shouldn’t have to miss out on anything just because she’s a woman,” said Doug, “That’s why I’m letting her do everything.”

By stepping aside and rejecting his place in the patriarchy, Doug has become somewhat of a cult hero, with several internet message boards praising him for getting out of the way and allowing his wife to be both the bread winner during the day and familial custodian at night. “We live in a world where after carrying four children for nine months and enduring the pains of multiple, grueling 82-hour labors, strong women like Abigail are forced to choose between their careers and life as a mother. It’s not fair,” said Doug, “I love her too much to stand by and let the world deny her every experience life has to offer. From getting up early to sit in traffic on the commute to work to coming home at night and cooking a meal for six. She deserves it all. So, to give her everything, I do absolutely nothing.” 

“It takes courage to do what he’s doing,” said head of Wellesley College Department of Women’s and Gender Studies Dr. Gert Smith-Howe, “Most men wouldn’t have the stomach for it. Simply put, the world needs more Dougs.”   

For Doug, stepping aside means spending his days oscillating between binging true crime docuseries and multiplayer online video gaming. “If this is what it takes to make my wife happy,” said Doug, licking Dorito dust off his fingers as he parachuted into another Fortnite round at 2:15 in the afternoon, “Well, then I’m willing to make the sacrifice.” 

Unfortunately, Abigail was unavailable to comment for this piece as she couldn't find time in her schedule of working, coaching little league, shopping for groceries, supervising homework, doing laundry, attending PTA meetings, preparing meals, coordinating playdates, paying bills, filing taxes, and cleaning the house. But, rest assured, as Doug accepted the "Feminist of the Year" award during an International Women's Day celebration, he confidently apprised the cheering audience that she couldn't be happier.

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