“I really can’t go into the details, but I’m not allowed back.”
- Walton Goggins on petting zoos 

This week, in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter. In a related story, Staten Island Chuck also saw his shadow this year, predicting residents of Staten Island should expect six more weeks of spray tans.  

Primrose Candy Company, a nearly 100-year-old family-owned manufacturer known for its hard candies, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection Tuesday. But filing for Chapter 11 doesn’t mean the hard candy maker will immediately close its doors, as economists project it will likely stick around for 8-10 more years somewhere in your grandmother’s purse. 

A French hospital was evacuated after an 8-inch live World War I artillery shell was discovered lodged in a patient’s rectum. The situation was quickly resolved as the French evacuated the hospital, removed the shell, and surrendered the ass to Germany. 

A new survey found that one-third of workers believe companies should offer heartbreak leave after breakups, with another one-third admitting they've used sick days to recover from romantic loss affecting work performance. Which is odd because, apparently, the reason they’ve broken up is because “they really need to focus on their career right now.” 

According to Edmunds, minivan sales rose 21% in the US in 2025. Edmunds says the rise in minivan sales is directly proportional to the increase in the number of Americans who look at their car every morning and sigh. 

McDonald's announced a limited-time partnership with Paramount Caviar to bring fans a premium Valentine's Day McNugget Caviar kit. So head to McDonald’s to make it a Valentines’s Day she’ll always remember as your last. 

Tensions were high in the American camp at the Olympic village this weekend as gold medal hopeful Mikaela Shiffrin’s tongue remained stuck to a pole. What started out as a seemingly harmless dare has begun to sour as coaches and trainers struggle to set the skier free.  

Shiffrin, 30, largely considered the greatest alpine skier of all time and favorite for the gold at this year’s games, was reportedly walking back to her room in the Olympic village with teammates after the opening ceremonies Friday when she was dared by rival downhill skier Camille Rast of Switzerland to stick her tongue on the Olympic flagpole. Whether or not the dare was a tactic to gain an illegal competitive edge remains unknown. An investigation into the matter by the International Olympic Committee is currently underway, but team Switzerland vehemently denies any implications of foul play. Now, three days later, Shiffrin remains stuck, with only two days before she’s scheduled to compete in her first event. 

“We’re doing everything we can to extricate the tongue,” said coach Karin Harjo in a press conference early Sunday morning. “We still have plenty of time before the team slalom on Tuesday. Right now, I’m more concerned about her fueling. With her tongue stuck to the pole, swallowing solid food has posed a significant challenge.” 

In the event they are unable to extract the tongue, the American team has filed a petition with Olympic organizers to saw the pole at the base and allow Shiffrin to ski with the pole still attached. Meanwhile, rumors have begun to spread throughout the village that if the petition is denied and the tongue is not liberated, the American Olympic Committee is considering flying in an Alaskan Inuit shaman to perform a ritual thawing ceremony.   

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