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Feature

Unlimited Power! Man Yelling at TV Reverses Call on Field 

As long as sports have been on television, there have been men yelling at them, almost always to no avail. But all that changed Sunday as local sports enthusiast Mike Thompson discovered he could control what happens on the field by yelling at the TV.

It started near the end of the first quarter. When head official Howie Smith announced that there was no penalty for holding on the play — prompting Thompson to yell “WHAT ARE YOU BLIND?! HE’S ALL OVER HIM! YOU GOTTA MAKE THAT CALL!” What many thought to be just a casual complaint, mysteriously resulted the referees huddling together before reversing the decision.

"At first, I thought it was just a coincidence," said Thompson, who quickly tested his newfound ability on the next drive. As the play clock ticked down, Thompson shouted "TIME OUT! TIME OUT!” and the officials immediately began blowing their whistles. "That's when I realized – holy shit, they can hear me."

During a crucial review in the third quarter, the network cut to their rules analyst Ted Sherman for clarification. "If you look at the defender's left hand," Sherman began, before Thompson unleashed a tirade of obscenities. “THAT’S HORSESHIT! THIS CLOWN DOESN'T KNOW A FOOTBALL FROM A FRUIT BASKET! FIRE THIS JOKER!" Moments later, play-by-play announcer Jim Roberts broke in: "We're getting word that Ted Sherman has been relieved of his duties, effective immediately."

Witnesses described Thompson's transformation from confused observer to maniacal game-controller with growing unease. "Every time the refs did what he said, his eyes got wilder.” said longtime friend Dave Martinez. “By the fourth quarter, he was standing on the coffee table like some kind of deranged conductor, drunk with power.”

With only seconds remaining, all that was left was to line up in victory formation and kneel. But with two points needed to cover his bet, Thompson had different ideas. He ordered the referees to call two consecutive neutral zone infractions, putting the offense in field goal range. With his voice hoarse, he summoned his strength for one final command, “KICK IT YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!” As the ball floated through the uprights, a tear streamed down Thompson’s face. "I am become Death, destroyer of point spreads."

Thompson's newfound powers appeared to have lasting effects. On the drive home, he wondered what else he could command. When he came to a red light, he thought, what the hell. Reaching deep within himself, he yelled, “GREEN!” and it was.

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