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#141
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Editor’s Note: With this issue, The Town Crier has crossed over the 50,000 subscriber mark! A huge thank you to everyone for your support.
Crier Quotes
“I’m a big believer in catch and release — otherwise, it’s just cruel. For me, it’s more for sport than anything else.”
- Jennifer Lopez on marriage
Trending News
President Biden made a surprise appearance at the White House press briefing on Friday. No one knew the president was going to be there until he walked out, but to be fair, neither did he.
Due to repair of the Delaware aqueduct, city officials in New York say residents may notice the city’s water tastes different. While it may taste different, city officials say you don’t have to worry until it smell like asparagus.
Uber Eats announced they’re now delivering costumes from Spirit Halloween. Which means this year’s most popular costume will be lazy bastard.
Feature
Whirlpool Scraps See-Through Dishwasher: “Too Sexual for Middle-Age Couples”
Whirlpool, a leading manufacturer of home appliances, announced this week that it will discontinue production of its “Peek-A-Boo” see-through dishwasher. The decision comes shortly after its release as reports indicate the appliance was too sexual for middle-aged couples.
The “Peek-A-Boo” was first introduced in mid-2024 after initial focus group testing showed it had the promise to become the future of the industry. However, just four months into its limited release, things began to take a turn.
The product’s key feature — the ability to watch as powerful jets forcefully cut through stuck-on grease and pulsed away stubborn food residue — produced an unintended arousal among those in the 35 - 49 age category. This heightened lasciviousness ultimately lead to impromptu kitchen floor intercourse — with many trying moves that should be left to professionals — which, at that age, without the requisite pre-performance stretching, can lead to significant injury.
The decision to pull the “Peek-A-Boo” from production was made after an investigative report exposed the appliance accounted for five times more emergency room visits than pickleball over a four-month period.
“There were warning signs we overlooked,” admitted Whirlpool’s head of product innovation, Kimberly Wainwright. “Consumer testing did indicate that users tended to light up a cigarette after watching a full wash cycle, and the comments on exit cards included phrases like ‘My heavens’ and ‘Mommy likey.’ And yes, a few fainted while clutching their pearls, but we just never anticipated it would escalate to this level.”
Along with the discontinuation of future “Peek-A-Boo” models, the company says they plan on offering free installation of opaque stainless steel door panels to those who already have a “Peek-A-Boo” installed. Although, some wonder if its too little too late, as putting a barrier up for couples who already know what’s going on behind it may just add an element of taboo that makes it even hotter.
While Wainwright maintains that removing the appliance from the market is the right thing to do, she doesn’t rule out the chance of the “Peek-A-Boo” making a comeback when the time is right. For now, it serves as a cautionary tale of the dirty side of getting clean.
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Miscellaneous
CVS Health said Tuesday it planned to cut 2,900 corporate jobs as part of a $2 billion cost-cutting initiative. They informed employees of the layoff in a company-wide receipt.
Industry insiders believe the most powerful AI models, including ChatGPT, will operate with the intelligence of a legit Ph.D. student as soon as next year. Which means every response will start with “well, actually.”
Billed as “the collab we didn’t know we needed,” Jason Kelce and Stevie Nicks are reportedly teaming up for a Christmas album. The album will feature classic Christmas songs with a football twist including “Rudolf the Redzone Reindeer,” “Jingle Bell Block,” and “Silent Hike.”
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