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#144
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Crier Quotes
“I wouldn’t say that I’m supercalifragilistic, but I’m a little expialidocious”
- Michael Scott
Trending News
Election Day is Tuesday — and no matter who you support, Wednesday will be “scream into a pillow day.”
Following the Dodgers World Series win, a Nike store in downtown LA was looted. Some looters were reluctant to join in at first, but then they saw a sign that said “Just Do It.”
A new study found alcohol consumption is more common among animals than previously thought. The study sheds light on exactly how we got the platypus.
Feature
Children's Show Puppeteer Clearly Going Through Divorce
What began as a routine birthday party for 6-year-old Tommy Henderson's celebration Saturday afternoon quickly devolved into an uncomfortable 45-minute glimpse into one man's crumbling marriage, according to concerned parents in attendance.
Local puppeteer Dale Winters, 43, arrived 20 minutes late to the Henderson residence, his shirt partially untucked and sporting what appeared to be a three-day beard. Witnesses report he fumbled with his puppet theater set up for several minutes while muttering under his breath before beginning his performance.
The show opened conventionally enough with Mr. Whiskers the Cat asking the children if they knew the alphabet. However, by the third letter, the educational content had taken a sharp turn. "A is for Alimony," Whiskers growled. "B is for Betrayal." Parents shifted uncomfortably as the cat continued: "D is for 'Don't worry, honey, he's just a friend.' E is for Everything you took from me.” By the letter L, Winters had Mr. Whiskers shouting "L is for all your Lies, M is for Marriage Counseling you refused to attend, and N is for the Nights you stayed late at the office with that bastard Remi Rabbit from Accounting!"
The situation escalated further when Winters attempted to transition to counting practice. "He had Whiskers listing off shared assets," reported Margaret Henderson, Tommy's mother. "One house in foreclosure, two maxed-out credit cards, three different explanations for where you were last Friday... By the time he got to 'seven unanswered calls,' we knew this wasn't going to get better."
"The real breaking point was when he had Mr. Whiskers start throwing tiny cardboard furniture out of their little puppet house while screaming 'Is this what you want, Sharon? Is this making you happy?'" said party guest Steve Martinez. "I'm pretty sure Sharon isn't even one of the puppet's names."
The performance came to an abrupt end when Winters knocked back what he told the children was his “happy juice" from a steel travel mug before collapsing onto the refreshments table and soiling himself. Several parents rushed to salvage what remained of the birthday cake, but the damage had already been done.
Tommy Henderson, the birthday boy, seemed unfazed by the unusual performance. "I liked the part where the cat threw the tiny sofa," he said. "But I don't think he should say those words about the penguin's lawyer."
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Miscellaneous
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On Wednesday, the White House hosted its annual Halloween event. Although, to be fair, it doesn’t have to be Halloween to have people in the White House see Joe Biden walking around and shout “It’s Alive! It’s ALLLIIIVVVEEE!”
One of the top costumes for men this year was a take on the well-endowed French pole vaulter — Men who didn’t have a costume were still able to pull off the look just by acting like a huge dick.
Crumbs, the world’s fattest cat, has passed away. How fat was he? Thanks for asking…
He was so fat he ate 3 of his 9 lives.
He was so fat he had to be cremated twice.
He was so fat he didn’t meow, he mooed
He was so fat that even without dressing up on Halloween, he was the Hamburglar.
He was so fat the only thing he could lick to clean were his lips.
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Election 2024
Absolutely no one:
Americans heading to the polls after this election season:
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