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Crier Quotes

“The law does not determine what you can and cannot do. It determines what could happen if you get caught.”
- Richard Nixon

Trending News

On Friday, Washington DC held a pre-inaguration event called The Crypto Ball. You know the event was clean because everyone there was a douche. 

With the ban on TikTok upheld by the Supreme Court — American youth have flocked to another chinese run app called Red Note. But the move isn’t without controversy as the app’s Chinese users are furious about the flood of Americans populating their feeds, complaining that America isn’t sending its best and brightest. 

Authorities in Florida are asking for help in catching a couple who they’re calling Mr. Clean and Mrs. Dookie, after the man stole $500 worth of cleaning products while his accomplice defacated on the floor. While local officials settled on Mr. Clean and Mrs. Dookie, several other names were considered including: The Relieved Theives, Swiper No Wiping, Hairy Squatter and the Plunderer of Areosol Cans, and for fans of Home Alone — The Stinky Bandits.  

Feature

Incredible: Local Man Stretches Resolution to Third Week

In what experts are calling an unprecedented display of human willpower, local account manager Derek Paulson has somehow maintained his New Year's resolution well into the third week of January, stunning friends, family, and the medical community.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Dr. Sarah Chen, a behavioral psychologist at the University of Wisconsin. "Most resolutions collapse within 72 hours, but Mr. Paulson is still consistently drinking eight glasses of water a day. We're documenting everything for peer review."

Paulson's remarkable achievement has inspired a cult following at his workplace, where colleagues gather daily to watch him refill his 32-ounce water bottle. "Derek is basically our Gandhi," said cubicle neighbor Tom Martinez, fighting back tears. "Yesterday, I saw him turn down a Diet Coke. Where does he get the strength?"

Word of Paulson's dedication quickly spread beyond office walls. Over the last three weeks, his posted videos of himself sitting in a chair drinking a glass of water have garnered millions of views, shares, and likes — amassing 2.3 million followers since January 4th.

Followers have begun finding deep spiritual meaning in Paulson's simple act of hydration. "I was in a loveless marriage for 12 years until I saw you take that first sip," wrote follower @CarrieRose, "Your unwavering dedication to proper hydration made me realize I deserved better. I just served my husband divorce papers and move out on Wednesday. God bless you Derek Paulson."

Local wellness coaches have already begun incorporating Paulson's story into their work. "I tell my clients, if this ordinary man can remember to drink water for almost a month, imagine what you could do," said lifestyle guru Jessica Mills.

As Paulson's influence continues to grow, sources with intimate knowledge confirmed Netflix has started production on a documentary titled "Liquid Courage: The Derek Paulson Story."

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Miscellaneous

• According to a study, Norway has the largest average bra size. You can read more about the study in this month’s issue of “AHOOGA!”

• Kamala Harris is reportedly planning to write a tell-all book about her presidential run. The book will be titled “How to Lose to a Guy in 107 Days.” 

• Thursday was National Boston Day. To celebrate, folks across the country were encouraged to gather together with neighbors to exchange ethnic slurs.

• Applebees is introducing two new cocktails for Valentine’s Day. The drinks are said to be so strong you’ll forget he took you to Applebees. 

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