- The Town Crier
- Posts
- #188
#188
Sunday, November 2nd
In Partnership with Particle
#188
Sunday, November 2nd
Crier Quotes
“After the third time growing back, we decided to just leave them alone.”
- Zendaya on her tonsils
Trending News
Today was the 54th running of the New York City marathon — That special day when thousands across the city bleed from their nipples and poop themselves, and also there’s a race.
Diseased monkeys from Tulane University got loose this week after a truck overturned on a Mississippi highway. Which is odd because usually when there’s an outbreak at Tulane, it’s crabs.
A tourist fell into a Venice, Italy, canal while reportedly following directions on her phone, then posted a viral video joking that Google Maps told her to "go straight." The incident stands as a firm reminder of the very real dangers of being an idiot.
Kortney Kardashian announced she’s launching a new line of lollipops for your vagina. Kardashian said the lollipop was the natural choice for a vagina candy because nobody knows how many licks it takes to finish.
Feature
Home of Family Giving Out Dehydrated Fruit Firebombed
Fire crews and first responders rushed to the home of Bob and Evelyn Kaminski late Friday evening following an incident in which a gaggle of costumed children, ranging in age from 4 to 9, gathered outside the couple’s home and hurled lit Molotov cocktails through the windows.
The firebombing comes in retaliation for the Kaminskis’ passing out dehydrated fruit on Halloween for three consecutive years, an offense the children called “an act of war.”
The years-long tension between the Kaminskis and neighborhood children finally came to a head when a 5-year-old Batman was handed three dehydrated prunes and what appeared to be a 10% off coupon for Jamba Juice.
Speaking on behalf of the children, Kyle Adams, 7 and three-quarters, claims they did everything in their power to avoid taking such drastic measures, but “we’ve been dealing with this for years, and quite frankly, we’ve had it with their bullshit.” After back-to-back years of egging and teepeeing didn’t do the trick, Adams says there was nothing left to do but “burn that bitch down.”
For their part, the Kaminskis say they were just trying to offer a healthier alternative to candy, a mistake that has cost them dearly.
The Kaminski home is not alone, as news crews nationwide report no less than four other suspected dehydrated fruit-inspired firebombings. Whether these are legitimate acts sanctioned by the militant group Costumed Kids of America (CKA) or simply radicalized sugar high copycats, authorities have yet to confirm.
In the wake of the firebombing, local representatives say they will move swiftly to ensure this never happens again and plan to propose a new bill on Monday that will provide necessary funding for universal basic candy payments to every neighborhood home in the amount of 100 Grand bars.
Aesthetic science for men
Guys, if you want to look and feel your best, grooming needs to go beyond basic. Particle uses specialized combinations of premium ingredients, all backed by science, to help men take personal care to the next level.
Anti-Aging Face Cream to fix eye bags, dark spots, and wrinkles
Hair Thickening Shampoo that fortifies roots and protects the scalp
Gravité Cologne for a distinguished, irresistible scent that lasts all day
With over 1M men choosing Particle, you can’t go wrong. Try it risk-free today with their 30-day guarantee.
Thanks for reading! If you haven’t picked up your copy of The Untold True Stories You Haven’t Heard Because They Never Happened, click the link below!
If you enjoyed this issue and want to support future editions, please share or consider making a contribution. All amounts make a difference. Thank you!
If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.
