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#145
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Crier Quotes
“There’s nothing I hate more than people who don’t finish what they start.”
- Scarlett Johansson on her contempt for attempted murders
Trending News
43 monkeys have escaped a research facility in South Carolina where they were being tested for vaccine development and are still on the loose. See China, that wasn’t so hard to admit.
Baltasar Ebang Engonga, a high-ranking official in Equatorial Guinea, was arrested following a massive sex scandal in which 400 explicit videos involving him and the wives of prominent figures were leaked online — “Respect” said Bill Clinton
Judy Garland’s iconic ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz are up for auction with the current bid set at $1.02 million. “So I just click them together and I get to go home?” Said Melania.
Feature
Recovery Continues After Devastating Kool-Aid Disaster
The rhythmic sound of chainsaws and hammers echoed through the streets of Franklin as residents came together to rebuild their community in the wake of Tuesday's tragedy, as a heavily intoxicated Kool-Aid Man tore through the tight-knit town.
Local authorities report that the rampage began shortly after 6 p.m., when the crimson behemoth crashed through approximately 140 homes and businesses, with the historic downtown district bearing the brunt of the impact. Remarkably, only minor injuries were reported, mostly from residents diving out of the way of falling debris.
"We lost our garage and most of our roof, but we didn't lose what matters most - each other," said Sarah Martinez, wiping sweat from her brow as she helped rid her elderly neighbor's yard of splintered wood and shards of broken glass. "The whole town has shown up to help. That's just who we are."
For longtime Franklin resident Betty Larson, 73, the disaster didn't come entirely as a surprise. "That morning, the birds had gone quiet, and my trick hip was acting up. I didn't know what, but something was coming," she recalls, sorting through photographs rescued from her damaged home. "The air felt different, real heavy, and thick as a Cajun accent — I could taste it on my tongue — tropical punch."
Local contractor Jim Wheeler has been coordinating volunteer cleanup crews since dawn Wednesday. "We've got about 200 volunteers out here today," he reports, gesturing to teams clearing the wreckage from Main Street. "People from neighboring towns are driving in with supplies, equipment, and willing hands. Not to mention the specialists from Habitat for Koolmanity. We're gonna come back from this. It’s like my grandma always used to say, ‘ain’t no sense cryin’ over a 13-foot tall 9-foot wide pitcher of juice smashin’ through your wall. You just pick yourself up, lick the sugar off your boots and get back to it.’ And you know what, she’s right."
The Franklin Community Center, though operating on generator power, has become the hub of recovery efforts, serving hot meals and providing temporary shelter for displaced residents. Local businesses that escaped major damage are pitching in too - the Hardware Hut is providing tools at cost, while Rosa's Diner is feeding cleanup crews free of charge.
"We'll rebuild stronger than ever," says Mayor Helen Chen, who has been working alongside residents in the cleanup effort. "The Kool-Aid Man may break our walls, but he'll never break our spirit."
Recovery efforts are expected to continue for several weeks, with initial damage estimates exceeding $38 million. The Red Cross has established a disaster relief station at the high school gymnasium, offering medical attention and mental health services to those affected by the incident. If you'd like to contribute to the clean-up, text "Oh, No" to 555-NOT-KOOL.
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Miscellaneous
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Air France will begin flying direct from Paris to Orlando in May 2025. Air France says in-flight meals will mix local offerings from both cities with Parisian main courses of Poulet Basquaise and Saumon Grillé aux Herbes, and for desert, a bowl of traditional Orlando meth.
Bernie Marcus the billionaire co-founder of Home Depot passed Monday at the age of 95. In his honor, plumbers’ pants were buckled at half crack.
The first combination IHOP - Applebees will open in Texas in early 2025 — Instead of “Welcome,” placemats at the IHOP - Applebees will read “We should’ve won state” in 56 languages.
According to Circana, 38.1 million TVs that were at least 97 inches wide were sold between January and September. Men say the purchase is worth it just to come home and hear your wife finally say, “wow, you got the biggest one I’ve ever seen.”
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