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- #160
#160
Sunday, March 16
Crier Quotes
“I always ask the waiter their name. That way the insults feel more personal.”
- James Cordon
Trending news
A New Jersey man was arrested at the airport after a TSA pat down revealed he had a turtle in his pants. Agents became suspicious after watching the man feed his bulge lettuce.
The United States Postal Service will lay off 10,000 people over the next month through a voluntary early retirement program. In a press conference following the announcement, Postmaster General Louis DeJoy calmed fears — telling reporters that the layoffs will in no way improve service.
According to a new jobs report, a record high 8.9 million Americans have a second job. And by “having second job” they mean “selling feet pics.”
A Florida senior shot a man with a flare gun after being approached with a baseball bat during a road rage incident. Yet another reminder of that old Florida saying, “you don’t bring a bat to a crazy fight.”
Hienz unveiled a new ketchup bottle for dipping chips. And although it has a wider opening, Hienz says just for old times sake, gave it a spank anyway.
Feature
Mets Fans Ready to Get Hurt Again
Displaying what psychologists describe as a textbook case of sports Stockholm syndrome, local Mets fans confirmed Monday they are absolutely ready to have their hearts shattered into a million pieces.
"This is our year. I can feel it," said local Queens plumber and long-time fan Mike Constantino, 47, blissfully unaware that he has uttered this exact phrase before every Opening Day since 1987. "The rotation looks solid, we've got power in the lineup, and the bullpen... well, the bullpen exists."
Across the five boroughs, fans are already mapping out elaborate scenarios in which the team builds a commanding division lead through July, only to collapse in spectacular fashion by mid-September.
Fans are particularly excited about this year's innovative ways to lose, including blown save opportunities, base running blunders in extra innings, leaving the starter in for exactly one batter too many in a crucial playoff game, and the time-honored tradition of watching promising prospects flourish after being traded at the deadline for aging veterans with bloated contracts.
The number of call-ins to local sports talk radio shows from “first-time caller, long-time listeners” has quintupled since the acquisition of All-Star outfielder Juan Soto — with many callers saying the joy they experienced the day they received news of the trade ranks above both their wedding day and the birth of their first child. Expert analysis indicates the Soto signing and the retention of slugger Pete Alonso have increased fan preseason expectation vs postseason reward pleasure-pain index by a factor of twelve.
As this newsletter is sent, eyewitnesses confirm several fans have emptied their children’s college fund to “absolutely hammer” the 10-1 odds on the Mets winning the World Series saying, “It’s a lock.”
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