- The Town Crier
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- #167
#167
Sunday, May 4th
#167
Sunday, May 4th
Crier Quotes
“There were 100 beans in a jar, and although it took me 99 guesses, I got it.”
⁃ Barbra Walters on perseverance
Trending News
Cinco de Mayo is tomorrow, and Chipotle is celebrating with a new online gaming experience that can score fans some free food called "Ingredient Quest.” Not to be outdone, Taco Bell announced an in-store gaming experience where customers win prizes by guessing the “Mystery Meat.”
As a result of massive tariffs on Chinese goods, experts warn of a possible fireworks shortage this Fourth of July. The news was surprisingly well received, however, earning the approval of four out of five fingers.
A New York based dog wellness brand Spot & Tango is looking for a summer intern to smell dog breath as it researches how well its new dental solution works. And thanks to New York’s transparent salary listing, under pay, it says “not enough”
A new survey reports over one third of Americans in 2025 secretly hate being asked to help someone move. The survey stands in stark contrast to one from the 90s when over 88 percent of Americans said they like to “move it, move it.”
Feature
College Seniors Prepare for Worst Years of Life
University graduates across the country are apprehensively preparing to enter “the worst years of their lives” as they make their post-graduate transitions this summer, according to a recent Quinnipiac University survey. Faced with the rising cost of living and a tightening job market, approximately 72 percent of graduating seniors report feeling despondent about their post-collegiate prospects — with 81 percent of respondents adding the only thing they have left to look forward to is “an email finding them well.”
Dr. Maria Henderson, a leading researcher in post-graduate decay says the transition from zero responsibility and guilt-free sex to Sunday anxiety and mind-numbing 9-5 monotony can be difficult for some, especially as recent grads grapple with the reality that from here on out the number of activities they participate in that can be described as either “high jinks” or “shenanigans” decreases at an exponential rate. “I always recommend visualization exercises that help recent grads completely disassociate from their reality,” said Henderson. “The closer you can get to Severance, the easier the transition will be.”
The nationwide lugubriousness comes as large swaths of American graduates reflect on the fact that they may never get blackout drunk on a Tuesday afternoon ever again. Many soon-to-be graduates are imploring younger university students to heed their warning. “Cherish every frisbee toss on the quad, every keg stand at the tailgate, every Adderall fueled all-nighter, and every sunrise seen from the roof with your boys after a night out” said graduating senior Greg Peterson, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and slip-n-slide across the fraternity lawn, you might miss it.”
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