- The Town Crier
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- #158
#158
Sunday, March 2nd
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Crier Quotes
“As long as it’s not within 500 yards of a Bass Pro Shop, I’m in.”
- Woody Harrelson
Trending News
Tonight is the 97th Academy Awards — A night that celebrates the very best in plastic surgery.
This week, the Google Pixel Watch 3 received FDA approval to alert you if you’re dying. The FDA granted the approval after successful trials showed the watch buzzes at the exact moment a meeting could’ve been an email.
According to a recently published study, just five minutes of exercise can help lower your blood pressure. For more of the study’s findings, catch this month’s issue of Lazy Bastard.
On Saturday, former governor Andrew Cuomo announced a bid to be New York City’s next mayor. Cuomo said he’s campaigning on what he calls the five pillars of governance — Generosity, Resilience, Order, Prosperity, and Efficiency — or GROPE.
A recently published article lists the 11 phrases Baby Boomers use that Gen Z wishes would disappear — including “Back in my day,” “Just make some little sacrifices,” and “When are you moving out?”
Feature
Man Questions Entire Identity After Receiving Targeted Ad For Greyhound Bus
Local man Steven Long was rocked to his core late Thursday evening while scrolling on Instagram before bed when he received a targeted ad for taking a Greyhound bus.
Having fewer than three roommates, a college degree, and a 401(k), Long considered himself to be succeeding in life. But now, he’s left questioning his entire sense of self-worth — Burned into his brain, the words, “Exclusive offer for Greyhound’s preferred customers.”
“This can’t be right,” thought Long as he sat up in bed, frantically contemplating his recent online activity to determine what user data had been gathered on him across his social media engagements, purchasing patterns, and browsing history for the AI algorithm to decide he was the ideal Greyhound bus rider.
“Was it because I used a Groupon on my last date to get 73% off bowling? Is it because I still have an iPhone 8? Because as long as you keep the software updated, it runs perfectly fine.” Long racked his brain, searching for what in his digital profile convinced the algorithm that he belonged on a 16-hour interstate ride aboard the proverbial cigarette with wheels. “Not even Spirit? Really? Hell, I would’ve settled for Amtrak, but Greyhound? I don’t even know who I am anymore. It's as if the internet looked into my soul and found a 3-day-old, room-temperature tuna sandwich.”
As this issue goes to print, Long's existential crisis had reportedly deepened after a BuzzFeed character quiz identified him as a perfect match with George Costanza. Not long after, LinkedIn's algorithm suggested he might be interested in opportunities with the U.S. Postal Service.
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