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#149
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Crier Quotes
“I didn’t stop breastfeeding until my mid-thirties. Why do you ask?”
- Sigmund Freud
Trending News
Google unveiled a new quantum computer it claims can do tasks in minutes that would take a traditional supercomputer ten ceptillion years to complete. Which means now faster than ever you’ll be able to help your mom figure out “who’s that guy from that thing.”
Newlyweds Marjorie Fiterman, 102, and Bernie Littman, 100, of Philadelphia are the oldest couple to tie the knot in recorded history. And if you’re wondering, no, they didn’t skip the garter toss.
In a remarkable feat of mental jiu-jitsu, A New Zealand man won the Spanish-language world Scrabble title — without knowing how to speak Spanish. In his interview with the press afterward, the man triumphantly showed off his championship board — “It means ‘Spanish World Champion,’” said the man as he pointed to the engraving that read “El Bastardo.”
Feature
Guys in Shorts Announce "Legs Don't Get Cold"
Confirming what has long been questioned at social gatherings, guys wearing shorts in December have collectively announced that their legs possess an inexplicable resistance to cold that defies all known laws of thermodynamics.
“Yeah, I don’t know what it is" declared Dave Henderson, 52, standing in a snow-covered driveway while wearing cargo shorts, work boots, and a heavy winter coat. “but my legs don’t get cold."
The announcement flies in the face of decades of scientific consensus suggesting that human skin is, in fact, susceptible to cold temperatures. A fact that shorts-wearing men unanimously reject, citing generations of lived experience and an apparent genetic mutation.
“My dad and granddad were both the same way,” explained Tom Richardson, 55, adjusting his shorts while scraping ice off his windshield. “Some might call it madness. We call it heritage."
Researchers are particularly baffled at how some of these men wear shorts during active blizzard warnings, seemingly unaffected by temperatures that would cause normal human beings to seek immediate shelter. While the phenomenon continues to bewilder, some believe it may be linked to a similar genetic mutation that enables college-age girls to wear crop tops and mini skirts on a January night out in Buffalo.
The Perfect Christmas Gift Doesn’t Exi…
This one-of-a-kind timepiece cycles through iconic quotes from renowned authors, turning the passage of time into a journey through the most compelling stories. As the holiday season approaches, treat the voracious reader in your life to a gift that will delight and inspire them all year round. Order your Author Clock now to ensure it arrives by Christmas!
Miscellaneous
brought to you by Ohai.ai
Two thieves in Seattle were arrested following a jewlery robbery after the pair attempted to escape by row boat. Making them the first criminals who can actually answer the question “what are you in for?” with “stupidity.”
The University of Tennessee is the new No. 1 ranked men’s basketball team in the USA TODAY Sports Coaches Poll — a remarkable feat considering most top college athletes are getting paid now and Tennessee is entirely Volunteers.
A 17-year-old from California became the youngest to pass the state bar exam, joining her brother, a previous record-holder, as a legal prodigy. An incredibly impressive achievement considering to most 17-year-olds the bar exam is remembering the address on your fake ID.
Good news, there’s still plenty of deals this holiday season as Jack in the Box continues its 25 Days of Jackmas! Although at Jack in the Box, it’s not so much a celebration of the second coming as much as a number two going.
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