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- #157
#157
Sunday, February 16
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Crier Quotes
“People think it’s arrows, but I’ve done some of my best work with handcuffs.”
- Cupid
Trending News
Papa Johns announced its releasing a limited edition garlic dipping sauce bath bomb. Which is a nice change of pace from their usual toilet bomb.
A new study suggests Ozempic can lead to vision loss. So when someone says “Wow, you look great!” you’ll just have to belive them.
RFK Jr. was confimred by the Senate as Secretary of Health and Human Services. In response, American liberals raced to get their hands on shots before he takes office — namely, vodka.
A new survey revealed roughly one in five U.S. couples consider Valentine’s Day “make or break” for their relationship. “I’ll take those odds” said lazy men.
Feature
Still Some Meat on That Bone Say Dads
In a comprehensive survey of American fathers, 98% of dads would “like to know exactly where you think you’re going with that” as they firmly maintain there is "definitely still some meat on that bone.”
"Look at this—there's at least three more bites right here," reported local father Dave Henderson, snatching a seemingly barren chicken wing from his son's plate and proceeding to demonstrate what he called "proper bone excavation techniques." "You kids just don't know how to work a bone. When I was growing up, you didn’t throw out a bone until it was so chewed up, not even the dog would take it. And don’t even get me started on those ribs.”
The study, conducted by researchers at Sothern Methodist University’s Institute of Finger Lickin’, found a direct correlation between father status and the ability to spot "perfectly good meat" on discarded bones.
"It's not about hunger—it's about principle," explained Dr. Richard Martinez, lead researcher and father of three. "Our data shows that 85% of dads will spend upwards of 15 minutes gnawing on a single rib bone while making disapproving noises at their children's wasteful eating habits."
Several eyewitness accounts confirmed that nine out of ten dads were still working on their Thanksgiving turkey carcasses from last November, insisting they're only now just getting to the good parts.
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