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#151
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Crier Quotes
“On the last Thursday in May, I go to the zoo dressed as Eliza Thornberry and have tea with the chimpanzees.”
- Miranda Cosgrove
Trending News
Nevada voters approved two ballot questions that will change its Constitution in 2025, updating language that refers to people with disabilities: “Insane” will be changed to “persons with significant mental illness”; “blind” to “persons who are blind or visually impaired”; “deaf” to “persons who are deaf or hard of hearing”; and “idiot” to “reality star.”
The U.S. surgeon general said alcohol was a leading cause of preventable cancer and has called for drinks to carry a warning label like those on cigarette packs. If approved, alcohol companies say they’ll combat the “May Cause Cancer” label by putting a second warning label right next to it reading “May Also Cause Sex.”
A new development in South Los Angeles will soon feature the first-ever Costco with apartments above. Although, a New York City location would probably be more in-line with Costco’s business model as city renters are used to having roomates in bulk.
An article published in Business Insider recommends one thing to do in each state. In Arizona, visit the Grand Canyon. In Texas, hike Big Bend National Park. And in Mississippi — leave.
Feature
Hey! Look at This Weird Thing We Found, Say Scientists
Emerging from a sixteen month expedition to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, oceanographers at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration called an emergency press conference Saturday to absolutely lose their minds over this weird thing they found living at the bottom of the ocean.
"Everyone needs to stop what they're doing and look at this thing right now. Look at how weird and squiggly it is!" said research lead Dr. Arvin Umbridge, repeatedly jabbing his laser pointer at a projection screen showing the creature's elongated bioluminescent body. "And you see that tentacular bit there with what looks like a lava lamp shooting out from the top of its head? I mean, seriously, what the fuck is all that about?”
The creature, temporarily nicknamed "Screech Demon," was first spotted by the team's cameras while performing what they believe to be its mating ritual. Video footage shows the parting of spindle-like hair protecting the creature's nipples as an electric current runs the length of its body. While the current pulses, the demon shrieks its siren's song. "At first we couldn't make out what it was, but after it finished the first verse and main chorus, it was clearly Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire.’"
Dr. Umbridge and his team have submitted a $380 million grant proposal to spend another year studying the Screech Demon, with their primary research question listed as "But seriously though, what's its deal?"
When pressed about the scientific value of their research, Dr. Umbridge gestured wildly at the projection screen and exclaimed, "Are you kidding me? Just look at this thing! It has nipple hair that parts like the Red Sea and does karaoke! Who knows what other weird shit this thing gets up to, but something in my gut tells me we’re in for a show if we start tickling it.”
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