“Take a deep breath and ask myself, ‘What would Johnny Bravo do?’”
- Billie Eilish on financial planning

Two men in Michigan broke a world record by playing Pickleball for 28 hours straight. And a second record for 1000 hours talking about it. 

Dunkin is now offering its ice coffee in 48 oz buckets. Finally answering the question, what’s the coffee equivalent of a neck tattoo?

Kim Jung Un was unanimously reelected this week to the head of North Korea’s ruling political party. In an interview following the election, Kim said the unanimous decision clearly shows that voters really connected with his campaign promise that if they vote for him they’ll live. 

According to Guinness World Records, a 37-year-old horse named Fancy has officially been crowned as the oldest living horse. To give you an idea of how old that is in, his sugar cubes are Werther's Original.

This week, Applebee’s announced it’s bringing back its Big Easy Menu, inspired by the flavors of New Orleans. So head to Applebee’s to show the whole family what mommy used to do for beads. 

For the first time in over 25 years, representatives of Alan Johnson’s foot met with a bedroom nightstand leg dignitaries in landmark pain talks, taking place in the early hours Sunday morning. Reports indicate the toe was traveling through nightstand airspace on its way to the bathroom when it was struck. 

This is the first time toe and nightstand have met since the surprise midnight Agony Summit held at the Ramada in Flagstaff in the spring of ’97. Some closest to the negotiations, including Alan himself, were shocked by the abrupt manner in which the meeting took place. However, historians say a meeting between phalange and furniture is not without precedent, as both representatives Pinky and Big have held several mediations with coffee table and bed frame between 11:45 PM and 1 AM. Insiders say negotiators present at the pain accords addressed a range of delicate questions including, “what the fucking fuck!?” and “who put that there!?”

The impact of the two parties coming together remains to be seen, as it will likely take days, if not weeks, before we know if the toe will eventually acquiesce to nightstand demands and formally surrender the contested outer region, known by local inhabitants as “the nail.” As this issue goes to print, sources close to negotiations say they don’t see the nightstand moving its position without significant intervention from hands and arms.  

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