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- #192
#192
Sunday, December 21st
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#191
Sunday, December 21st
Crier Quotes
“I wait all year for the 25th. I light a few candles, slip into the bath, and burn a joint the size of an elf.”
- Mrs. Claus
Trending News
President Donald Trump announced Thursday the White House will host the “Patriot Games,” a competition with one young man and one young woman between the ages of 14 - 18 from each state and territory as part of the celebration of the United States’ 250th anniversary next year. The President said what he’s looking forward to seeing most during the games is the women’s locker room.
In honor of the holidays, McDonalds is offering egg sandwiches for $2 through December 23rd — to get your hands on the Christmas sandwich ask for the egg McMyrrhfin.
A Portland, Oregon, strip show raised over $60K this week for toy donations to a local children's hospital. Among the toys set to be delivered to the children’s hospital on the 25th are Labubus, Lego sets, and a special edition Twerk for Me Elmo.
Diner chain Denny’s has started selling Sticky Kicks, a limited-edition sneaker made with real Denny’s syrup sealed inside clear side panels. A spokesperson said the shoe was inspired by their long-time slogan, “Mmm Denny’s: Tastes like Feet”
Feature
Justice Department Says Thousands of Epstein Files Eaten By Dog the Bounty Hunter
At a press conference held Friday following the latest partial release of files related to the life, death and criminal investigation of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, Attorney General Pam Bondi explained to reporters that her department was unable to meet the assignment deadline because a vast trove had been eaten by Dog the Bounty Hunter.
“I had just finished packaging a huge stack of papers including a comprehensive list of Epstein’s high-powered clients. I put them on my kitchen table with a Post-It note reading ‘Send 2 Press ;).’ Then, I went to the restroom, and when I came back just five minutes later, the pages were torn to shreds as Dog the Bounty Hunter ravenously devoured them,” said Bondi as she held up several saliva stained bite marked pages.
“I tried to get him to stop. Honest. I was spraying him with a water bottle and everything. I said, ‘Bad Dog! Bad Dog the Bounty Hunter! You stop eating those files this instant! But he wouldn’t listen. It’s a real shame too because those were the only copies I had.”
Closing her remarks, AG Bondi told press it definitely won’t happen again as she’s now removed Dog the Bounty Hunter from her residence, entrusting his care with Kristi Noem.
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