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- #182
#182
Sunday, August 31st
#182
Sunday, August 31st
Crier Quotes
“That’s a nice beak. I wish I had a beak like that. All I have are these stupid thumbs.”
- Charles Darwin
Trending News
A bear named Fuzzy broke into a South Lake Tahoe creamery this week, eating multiple tubs of ice cream before law enforcement arrived. According to reports, Fuzzy broke into the ice cream because he’s “going through a really tough time right now.”
This week, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce got engaged and the pumpkin spice latte returned. Those stories again, White Women Explode.
A couple went viral, receiving both praise and outrage, recently when at their wedding they placed a printed list of single guests at tables. Some say it probably would’ve been fine if the list’s heading wasn’t “Losers.”
73-year-old UNC football coach Bill Belichick and his 24-year-old girlfriend Jordon Hudson have filed for a range of trademarks, including “Gold Digger” and “Trail of Salty Tears.” Surprisingly not on the list — “Gross.”
Prosecutors have charged the man accused of throwing a Subway sandwich at a federal officer on a Washington, D.C. street with misdemeanor assault after failing to convince a grand jury to indict him on a felony assault charge. Even as a lesser charge, experts say the prosecution has a slim chance of securing a guilty verdict as legally speaking it doesn’t constitute an act with intent to do bodily harm unless he made them eat it.
Ismael “El Mayo” Zambada, co-founder of Mexico’s Sinaloa cartel alongside El Chapo, pleaded guilty in Brooklyn courthouse to federal drug, money laundering, and weapons charges. The plea deal lands Zambada in prison for life where he’ll learn just how spreadable El Mayo can be.
College Football returned this weekend with its first full slate of games. Or as it’s known by women “the week he started acting distant.”
According to new study, some nocturnal spiders capture fireflies and intentionally keep them as prisoners so their lights attract more prey. The researchers say the strategy is similar to how J.Lo attracts more husbands.
Feature
Chuck Grassley Still Fastest Man in Senate
In a remarkable display of sheer will, 91-year-old Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley overcame a 100-meter deficit Saturday night to defend his title as the nation’s fastest senator. In the final lap of the 3,000 meter run, the marque event at the 236th running of the Capitol’s Annual Labor Day Relays, Grassley out kicked the competition to break the ribbon, throwing down a personal best 7:28.41 to boot.
The event had all the trappings of a world class affair with several of the top senators entering the race in peak form. Bookmakers had Grassley a steep underdog with Tommy “Turbo” Tuberville and Mark “Rocket Man” Kelly the odds on one-two favorites, with Sen. Adam Schiff, known on the Congressional racing circuit as “The Flea” projected as the dark horse third. But anyone who follows congressional racing will tell you anything can happen once the gun goes off.
From the outset, Grassley found himself at the back of the pack, which was just fine with him as the wily vet tucked into the slipstream letting his competitors pull him along while conserving energy.
Just three positions off the lead as the bell lap rang, a surge of energy burst through the nonagenarian as he began picking exhausted senators off one by one. “After I scalped Tuberville on the back stretch, I knew I only had Kelly left to beat,” said Grassley between recovery gasps, “I saw him already starting on the home straight and knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to dig deep if I wanted to take this thing, so like a horse to the barn, I just took off.”
Only 20 meters from the finish line, Grassley and Kelly were neck and neck. The near 170,000 person crowd entirely on its feet and in a complete frenzy as the two men made their way to the finish, spurring Grassley on with every step. Seemingly carried by the wave of support pouring from the stands, Grassley made a last gasp lunge for the tape, breaking the line to claim the unprecedented victory.
Grassley’s win marks his third consecutive at the Labor Day Relays and cements him as one of the most feared senators on two feet. The win places Grassley in the company of the remarkable Sen. Dixon H. Lewis of Alabama, who at an estimated 500 pounds was unstoppable once he got moving downhill, earning him the nickname “The Avalanche,” achieved a three-peat in the mid-1840s. “There’s no doubt Grassley is one of the greats, and I know there’s been some chatter online with people questioning whether he still has it, but I think now they have their answer.” said senior Congressional racing historian Paul Jones. “And forget about just defending the title, to three-peat by erasing a 100-meter gap is otherworldly. Take a bow Mr. Grassley.”
Speaking with press afterwards, the Iowa Senator says he has no plans to stop running anytime soon — going as far as to warn anyone who steps up the line, “Your ass is Grass.”
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