- The Town Crier
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- #168
#168
Sunday, May 11th
#168
Sunday, May 11th
Editor’s Note: Happy Mother’s Day! In the words of OutKast, “this one right here goes out to all the baby's mamas, mamas, Mamas, mamas, baby mamas, mamas.”
Crier Quotes
"You know, it wouldn't kill you to say thank you every once in a while."
- Mother Teresa
Trending News
In celebration of the holiday, KFC announced this week its offering free delivery on all orders for Mother’s Day, including its most popular Mother’s Day deal: buy one get one bucket of disappointment.
In a new interview, Mark Zuckerberg said in the future it will be common to have AI friends — And to make them feel more real, teen AI will talk about their AI girlfriend who “you wouldn’t know because she goes to a different server.”
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Monday directed the active duty military to shed 20% of its four-star generals. Secretary Hegseth said he made the decision following weeks of long, late-night strategy sessions with his top advisors Admiral Nelson and Captain Morgan.
Feature
Laid Off CIA Employee Has “Very Transferable Set of Skills”
CIA field agent Tony Graves, a casualty in the most recent wave of government layoffs, took to LinkedIn on Thursday in search of new employment. In his social networking post, Graves pitched his services to prospective employers, specifically his “very transferable set of skills.”
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you are looking for in a candidate. If you’re looking for someone with an MBA, I can tell you I do not have one. But what I do have is a very transferable set of skills. Skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for your competition. If you hire me now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for your clients. I will not pursue them. But if you don’t, I will look for your clients, I will find them, and I will win their business.”
As the post continued, Graves touted his ability to systematically target and eliminate operational inefficiencies. He emphasized his comfortability working collaboratively within a team, but asserted he’s also a self-starter, who feels confident in his ability to function in isolation, embedded within a competitor’s organization silently gathering information for weeks at a time under the cover of darkness. Graves’ proficiencies include triage medicine, the art of seduction, and the entire Microsoft Office suite. Under communication skills, Graves noted he has “ways of making people talk.”
As this issue goes to print, Graves received an InMail message stating, “You might be just the man we’re looking for.” The position — Night Manager, Waffle House.
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