Today is Wednesday, July 17th, and these are the top stories making headlines halfway through the week:

• Former President Donald Trump has chosen Sen. JD Vance as his running mate. Trump picked Vance because he sees him as smart, articulate, strong, and successful, adding, “he’s like the son I never had.”

• Five poultry workers at a Colorado farm tested positive for bird flu, with specimens sent to the CDC for confirmation. The poultry workers said they knew they had to get checked out when instead of sneezing they “doodle-dooed.”

• Richard Simmons, iconic TV fitness guru of the 80s, passed away Saturday at age 76. Services will be held at 1, and 2, and 3, and 4.

• Also passing last week was pioneering sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Per her last wishes, funeral attendees saying their final goodbyes were asked to whisper something nasty in her ear before giving her casket a light spanking. 

• On July 18, Burger King will introduce five hot new options — with each option more spicy than the last — as part of its new “Fiery Menu.” It’s the first menu series where every meal upgrade comes with a bathroom candle. 

• As part of a new initiative, Minnesota bars, restaurants, and breweries can now offer THC beverages on tap. One of the keys to the pilot program’s success is whether a batch's potency remains consistent throughout the keg. The sweet spot, they say, is where customers are high enough to fully enjoy their experience but not so high that they Hawk Tua the breathalyzer. 

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