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Editor’s note: Before we get to the jokes — We want to take a moment to acknowledge the 23rd anniversary of 9/11, may we never forget.

And now, these are the top stories making headlines halfway through the week:

• Last night, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump squared off in the first Presidential Debate in Philadelphia. It was a heated contest that saw the two candidates tell so many lies that afterwards they were both endorsed by George Santos. 

• Reservation site OpenTable reports solo dining reservations in the US are up 29% over the last two years — Experts call dining alone a symbol of “self-love” and “self-care” when at an upscale restaurant and a “cry for help” at Golden Corral. 

• Police in Wisconsin are trying to find the owner of a pair of domesticated chickens found wandering loose through a neighborhood. Police say the chickens respond to the names “Crispy” and “Original Recipe.”

• New light was shed on the state of OnlyFans as recently released figures indicate the adult content company brought in over $6.5 billion last year. According to the report, 1 out of every 1,470 people living in Connecticut makes OF content, the highest per capita rate in the country. Which would explain why now flying above the state Capitol is the American flag, the state flag, and the freak flag. 

• The European Court of Justice ruled against Apple in its challenge against an order to repay $14 billion in back taxes to Ireland — The Irish government has given Apple the choice between paying in installments, lump sum, or bar tab. 

• Heinz is now selling spaghetti carbonara in a can. Heinz calls the can an “easy Carbonara that comes with absolutely zero drama" — but for those looking for more drama in their pasta, you can always grab yourself a can of Maury’s “You are Not the Farfalle.” 

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