Wednesday Wire

Today is Wednesday, March 19th, and these are the top stories making headlines halfway through the week:

• In talks held Tuesday, President Trump and Russian President Putin spoke of “dividing up assets” in an effort to bring an end to the war with Ukraine. Insiders confirm the talks have lifted spirits in every corner of the White House — I mean, just hearing the president utter the phrase “dividing assets” gave Melania a tiny orgasm. 

• The 68-team field for the 2025 men’s college basketball tournament has been set with the first round officially starting Thursday. Your odds of a perfect bracket are roughly one in 120 billion. To give you an idea of what that’s like, you’ve got a better chance of catching a grasshopper in a mason jar while riding a 14-foot unicycle whistling Ride of the Valkyries with your butt cheeks. 

• According to the CEO, Ferrari customers are getting younger with 40% of new clients now under 40. Although it should be noted that 75% of those under 40 buying a Ferrari have a 85 year old husband. 

• The Trump Administration released 80,000 pages of unredacted files today on the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, fulfilling a promise he made during the election campaign. Legal experts say releasing 80,000 JFK assassination files is the political equivalent of saying “hey! Look over there” and then running away. 

• This week, Harvard announced tuition will be free for students whose families make less than $200k per year — To help foster a sense of community, students enrolled in the free tuition program will be housed in dorms on the south side of campus known as “the slums.” 

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