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Wednesday Wire
1.29.25
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Today is Wednesday, January 29th, and these are the top stories making headlines halfway through the week:
Bryan Johnson, a venture capitalist who wants to live forever, posted tracking data on X of his and his 19-year-old son’s nightime erections. Johnson is doing all of this in hopes of living forever — which, coincidentally, is exactly how long his son will be in therapy.
Velveeta has released a travel pack nacho cheese you can stick in your pocket. Perfect for anyone whose new year’s resolution was “give up.”
A Massachusettes couple recently got married at a Chuck-E-Cheese. The couple said they chose the location because they figured marriage will be easy if you start at “for worse.”
This week, President Trump fired 17 inspector generals — In a press release, the President vowed to replace each inspectors general with, in his opinion, the much more versatile Inspectors Gadget.
Speaking about the firings this week on the floor of the Senate, New York Senator Chuck Schumer called President Trump’s firing of inspectors general a sign that it’s a golden age of abuse and corruption in government. He then lit a cigar and danced out of the chamber like the Warner Brothers Frog.
New research finds having a talent for hula hooping is more dependent on body shape than technique. The study serves as a true testament to how far scientists can stretch the word “talent”
Celebrity psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw joined border czar Tom Homan and ICE agents on a deportation operation in Chicago. And I can only imagine how surreal it was for the last thought before getting your door kicked in to be “holy shit, is that . . . Dr. Phil?”
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